Post by atheistbibleburner on May 15, 2006 18:04:24 GMT -5
This is a story of love and redemption. Years ago, I was living a life of sin. I was commonly engaging in acts so vile and disgusting (such as cussing, drinking beer, and masturbating) that an all-powerful, all-knowing being capable of creating the universe with a single thought would definitely have been so pissed off that he would had to have tortured me forever. Indeed, when I reminisce about the depths of my own depravity, it fills my heart with such reckless terror and loathing, that I cannot even think about how to spell my own name without throwing up all over myself.
All of that changed one day. My eyes were opened, and I was introduced to The Flying Spaghetti Monster. A friend told me that the FSM loved me and wanted to have a personal relationship with me. At first, I was reluctant to believe in such a creature. However, when confronted with the evidence, I soon realized that it would be folly to deny this holy entity.
"Look at the world around you," he said. "All this beauty, and you still doubt that there is a FSM? Look at the sunset, baby rabbits, and your wife's behind. It's all evidence of His greatness."
I had to admit he had some good points here. I began to wonder, "what if he is right?" I mean, what would I have to lose by believing in such an entity if he was wrong. But if he was right, I would have to spend eternity in a giant pool of boiling meatball sauce where there is apparently "weeping, wailing, and gnashing of forks against plates" and "the rigatoni never dies". I would definitely be better off just believing, just in case he was right. However, if I was going to believe in something, I wanted it to be more genuine than that.
I asked him what other evidence he had. He then went into a long discussion about how scientists had concluded that the universe had come into being about 15 billion years ago from apparently nothing. Well, how could anything come from nothing? It must have been the Flying Spaghetti Monster that did it!! Wow, this was incredible!! I had always thought of religion as being something spiritual and personal, but now Science had all but proven it! I asked why the FSM had made the universe fifteen billion years ago if he wasn't going to create us until 14,999,994,000 years later. He explained that we can't possibly understand the mind of the FSM because it is infinitely greater than our own understanding. I have always considered myself to be an ignorant dumbass, so this explanation was more than sufficient.
He didn't stop there. He gave me all kinds of evidence of fine tuning in the universe. I couldn't believe how many physical and cosmological constants had to be exactly what they are in order for human life to be possible. Surely the FSM had played a role in designing the universe for us. How can someone look at U.S. geography and see how all the rivers just perfectly line up to state boundaries, and deny that there was an intelligent creator involved?
He then told me about this splinter group of crackpot scientists who had come up with this new religion called Evolution. They apparently worshipped a god called Time and claimed that at some point in history monkeys had given birth to the first humans. Well, this was just silly to me. After all, I had never seen a banana give birth to a walrus, so how could a monkey possibly give birth to a human? The whole idea was frightening to me. He then assured me that this was just a fringe group of scientists with ulterior motives, and the vast majority of scientists really believed that we were intelligently designed by the FSM about 6,000 years ago.
"But what about this Jesus fellow?" I asked.
"Look," he said, "are you going to believe this Jesus story based on four anonymous books written thousands of years ago when people were prone to believing all sorts of nonsense, over the testimony of 3000 followers of the FSM right here on My Space who claim to have a personal relationship with him? We are in the information age. Electronic information passed via the internet is vastly more reliable than ancient texts scribbled on papyrus. Besides, one thing that pretty much every religion agrees on is that the Catholic Church is beep nuts. And they voted on which books to include in the Bible!!!" I had to concede that he had a point here. The Catholic Church was beep crazy, and pretty much everyone could agree on that.
He then told me that anyone who didn't believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, was just too caught up in their sinful lifestyle and refused to submit themselves to a Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster. This really pricked my heart, and I felt my eyes filling with tears.
I asked the Flying Spaghetti Monster into my heart that day, and I haven't looked back ever since. I feel a sense of joy and purpose now. I don't even know what made me get out of bed in the morning before I knew him. You may be wondering if I have changed my sinful ways (i.e. cussing, drinking, etc.), and that's the best part... I don't have to!! I just have to ask for forgiveness whenever I sin and every once in a while condemn someone else doing the same things. My relationship with the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the most important thing in the world to me. More important to me than my wife, my family, my friends, or anything else. After all, it is written, "Man does not live on bread alone, but ongarlic bread with spaghetti."My wife and I now enjoy a fulfilling lifestyle of growing closer together in the FSM, and all of this for only ten percent of our income. If you want to learn how you can have a personal relationship with the FSM, send me a message, and I will give you my PayPal address so that you can send me $99.95. I will then send you my eBook entitled "The Pasta Driven Life: What on Earth am I Having for Dinner Tonight?"
I didnt write this. But it does satirically get to the points of why religion is wrong. Why is christ believable but FSM is not? Simple answer: they're both equally believable.
Replace FSM with Islam or Judaism, and there you go. Infinite hells, for infinite religions, infinite paths, but only infinite true religions. Hmmm.
All of that changed one day. My eyes were opened, and I was introduced to The Flying Spaghetti Monster. A friend told me that the FSM loved me and wanted to have a personal relationship with me. At first, I was reluctant to believe in such a creature. However, when confronted with the evidence, I soon realized that it would be folly to deny this holy entity.
"Look at the world around you," he said. "All this beauty, and you still doubt that there is a FSM? Look at the sunset, baby rabbits, and your wife's behind. It's all evidence of His greatness."
I had to admit he had some good points here. I began to wonder, "what if he is right?" I mean, what would I have to lose by believing in such an entity if he was wrong. But if he was right, I would have to spend eternity in a giant pool of boiling meatball sauce where there is apparently "weeping, wailing, and gnashing of forks against plates" and "the rigatoni never dies". I would definitely be better off just believing, just in case he was right. However, if I was going to believe in something, I wanted it to be more genuine than that.
I asked him what other evidence he had. He then went into a long discussion about how scientists had concluded that the universe had come into being about 15 billion years ago from apparently nothing. Well, how could anything come from nothing? It must have been the Flying Spaghetti Monster that did it!! Wow, this was incredible!! I had always thought of religion as being something spiritual and personal, but now Science had all but proven it! I asked why the FSM had made the universe fifteen billion years ago if he wasn't going to create us until 14,999,994,000 years later. He explained that we can't possibly understand the mind of the FSM because it is infinitely greater than our own understanding. I have always considered myself to be an ignorant dumbass, so this explanation was more than sufficient.
He didn't stop there. He gave me all kinds of evidence of fine tuning in the universe. I couldn't believe how many physical and cosmological constants had to be exactly what they are in order for human life to be possible. Surely the FSM had played a role in designing the universe for us. How can someone look at U.S. geography and see how all the rivers just perfectly line up to state boundaries, and deny that there was an intelligent creator involved?
He then told me about this splinter group of crackpot scientists who had come up with this new religion called Evolution. They apparently worshipped a god called Time and claimed that at some point in history monkeys had given birth to the first humans. Well, this was just silly to me. After all, I had never seen a banana give birth to a walrus, so how could a monkey possibly give birth to a human? The whole idea was frightening to me. He then assured me that this was just a fringe group of scientists with ulterior motives, and the vast majority of scientists really believed that we were intelligently designed by the FSM about 6,000 years ago.
"But what about this Jesus fellow?" I asked.
"Look," he said, "are you going to believe this Jesus story based on four anonymous books written thousands of years ago when people were prone to believing all sorts of nonsense, over the testimony of 3000 followers of the FSM right here on My Space who claim to have a personal relationship with him? We are in the information age. Electronic information passed via the internet is vastly more reliable than ancient texts scribbled on papyrus. Besides, one thing that pretty much every religion agrees on is that the Catholic Church is beep nuts. And they voted on which books to include in the Bible!!!" I had to concede that he had a point here. The Catholic Church was beep crazy, and pretty much everyone could agree on that.
He then told me that anyone who didn't believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster, was just too caught up in their sinful lifestyle and refused to submit themselves to a Holy Flying Spaghetti Monster. This really pricked my heart, and I felt my eyes filling with tears.
I asked the Flying Spaghetti Monster into my heart that day, and I haven't looked back ever since. I feel a sense of joy and purpose now. I don't even know what made me get out of bed in the morning before I knew him. You may be wondering if I have changed my sinful ways (i.e. cussing, drinking, etc.), and that's the best part... I don't have to!! I just have to ask for forgiveness whenever I sin and every once in a while condemn someone else doing the same things. My relationship with the Flying Spaghetti Monster is the most important thing in the world to me. More important to me than my wife, my family, my friends, or anything else. After all, it is written, "Man does not live on bread alone, but ongarlic bread with spaghetti."My wife and I now enjoy a fulfilling lifestyle of growing closer together in the FSM, and all of this for only ten percent of our income. If you want to learn how you can have a personal relationship with the FSM, send me a message, and I will give you my PayPal address so that you can send me $99.95. I will then send you my eBook entitled "The Pasta Driven Life: What on Earth am I Having for Dinner Tonight?"
I didnt write this. But it does satirically get to the points of why religion is wrong. Why is christ believable but FSM is not? Simple answer: they're both equally believable.
Replace FSM with Islam or Judaism, and there you go. Infinite hells, for infinite religions, infinite paths, but only infinite true religions. Hmmm.